i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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