i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
