why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Your dad touched me again.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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