You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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