I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
