Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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