Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
