When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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