what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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