Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
it's like iHOP with fire
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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