What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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