Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
