I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
