i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
