I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
