I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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