If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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