And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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