I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
