my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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