i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
be right there i have to get my cape
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
