Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
