i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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