you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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