I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
