wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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