I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
