i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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