Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
