I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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