WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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