I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
