Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
