if only i could text you this smell
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
