I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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