Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
