even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
