Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
