Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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