just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
