i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
