my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
