saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
