I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
