I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
