I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
