my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
