1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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