Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
