i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
