There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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