why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
